Her name is Laila. She has the most beautiful smile in the world. She was conceived through lust and born into love. I met her father, now my husband, the summer of 2014. It wasn’t love at first sight because I was guarded. Our relationship turned into a whirlwind romance and Laila was conceived quickly after we met. Now that I look back I see that everything was in divine order. I had been preparing myself for that moment for some time.
I had been in a previous marriage that ended quickly and devastated me. I can’t blame my ex husband, I blame me. At that time in my life I needed to feel important and know that I was good enough for someone to want to marry me. He wanted to and despite me knowing deep down inside that I shouldn’t, I did it anyway. That was extremely selfish. At that time I didn’t know what love was or what it felt like. I was numb and was protecting myself from hurt, I knew he wouldn’t leave he was committed. At the time I never knew what being committed actually meant. I had to forgive myself for using him for validation and forgive him for not knowing any better. Hurting people, hurt people. Our marriage never stood a chance. After our divorce, I contacted any ex that I may have hurt. It was part of my healing journey. I was then able to move on freely with no regret. I now have forgiveness and compassion for myself and them. I needed to heal those past wounds and hurts for myself, future husband and children.
My mother, may she rest in peace, had a lot to do with my low self esteem and self worth. She was a substance abuser that put alcohol and men before me. I was never the same after I received the news of her tragic death from a car accident. I didn’t think the pain would be so bad from a woman that abused and neglected me. I really got that there is a deep and profound love between a mother and child, even when the relationship doesn’t reflect it. It’s a deep connection that can’t be explained. Years before she passed away, I hoped she would come around and be the mom I longed for. How could she? She was a addict and powerless. It still never stopped me from believing she would. The therapy and self development work that I did and still continue to do is to heal the pain that I have buried ever since I was a child.
When I found out I was having a girl I had fears. Would I be a good mom? Would I have enough patience? Could I protect her from the things that happened to me? I am not my mother, I have patience and it’s okay to have fears. I will protect her from what I can and God will do the rest. When I look at Laila I see all of my hard work has paid off. She is one of the happiest babies I know. She sings, dances, says her abc’s and knows her numbers. She wakes up smiling and is excited about life. She says good morning and knows how to say please. She is growing magnificently. Most of all she loves me and I love her. I couldn’t be a prouder mother.
In my journey I am constantly evolving. Although I can’t forget the things and people that hurt me they don’t rule me anymore. Now I get to support other women in their journey of healing and self love. I get to stand with them as they learn that love starts with love of self. Now when I look in the mirror I see love, beauty and joy. I am now someone who is capable of giving those things. It is simply breathtaking to me.
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